The Athiest in the Woods
An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,
"How beautiful the animals are!"
"How majestic the trees are!"
"How powerful the rivers are!"
As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him.
He turned and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.
He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He kept running, but when he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
Then he tripped and fell on the ground.
The bear was right on top of him with his right paw raised to strike him.
At that instant, the atheist cried, "God help me!"
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, "You've denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don't exist.
You've even credited creation to a cosmic accident.
Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?"
The atheist looked into the light and said, "Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very Well," said the voice.
The light went out.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together.
He bowed his head, and said: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."
Shall we gather at the river?
A preacher, completing a temperance sermon, spoke with great fervor! "If I had all the beer in the world, I’d throw it all into the river."
With greater emphasis, he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d throw it all into the river."
And finally he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d throw it all into the river, too!"
As he took his chair, the song leader stood and announced with a smile, "For our closing hymn, let us sing number 365:
"Shall We Gather at the River."
One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass.
The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.
Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled,
"father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches.
He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch.
Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch.
Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!
The minister was awe struck by what he just heard.
"My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God!Where's this man now?"
The Choirboy replies..."flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!
Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford.
The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'
'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.
The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'
The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee".
The husband said, " You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, " I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
One day in Sunday school, the teacher was talking about Jesus is to the kids, "Bobby, where is Jesus?" asked the teacher.
"Jesus is in heaven." replied Bobby.
"Very good!", said the teacher.
The teacher then asked a little girl," Where is Jesus, Emily?".
Emily said innocently, "Jesus is in my heart!".
The teacher beamed at little Emily and said, "How very sweet!!!".
The teacher now asked Timmy, "Timmy, where is Jesus?".
"Jesus is in my bathroom." he said assuredly.
"Please elaborate, Timmy.", the teacher said.
Timmy then replied, "Well, every morning my dad gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells. Jesus Christ, are you still in there!!!"
A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience.
During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by.
She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."
God replies, "I didn't recognize you."
TIME & ETERNITY
A man was taking it easy, lying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
"God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To Me, it's a penny." The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God said, "In a minute."
There was a man who worked and worked and saved all his money.
Neverspending any of it, just saving it.
He loved money. He was a miser and heworshipped his cash.
For years he kept telling his wife, "when I die, I want you to put mymoney in the casket with me; I want to have it for the afterlife."
The years passed and he kept idolizing his money and telling his wifeto put the money in the casket with him.
He even got a bible out and made his wife swear on the bible that she would put the money in his casket with him.
"Do you promise to put my money in the casket with me when I die?... do you PROMISE?"
"Yes", the wife replied, "I promise to put all your money in your casket with you."
One day the man died and at the funeral the wife sat holding a giftwrapped box. She was sitting with her closest friend and quietly crying.
Just as the funeral director got ready to close the casket the wife jumped up and said, "WAIT, I have something to put in the casket with him."Then she gently placed the box in the casket.
When she returned to her seat her friend asked, "what did you put in the casket?"
The wife answered, "he made me promise that I would put all his money in the casket with him when he died, so that he could have it in the afterlife."
The friend was astonished and said, "I KNOW you didn't do that!!"
The wife looked at her friend and said, "Well, you know I'm a Christian woman and I could not lie to him... so I did as I promised."
Her friend said, "girl, you are crazy!!" "I can't believe you put all the money in the casket with him!!"
The wife quietly dabbed the tears from her eyes and said....I'm a Christian but not a fool...... I wrote him a check if he can cash it he can have it.
THE LITTLE OLD LADY
There was a little old lady, who every morning. stepped ontoher front porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted:"PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. Hebecame irritated at the little old lady.
Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell:"THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.
One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted:"PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and Iam starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there.
"PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:"THERE IS NO LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted:"PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITHGROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large citybecause he was short of time and couldn't find a space witha meter.
So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.
"I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION."