Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Fish Out of Water


Various times in my life God would give me a sign that he was with me; that he heard me; that he loved me. One of those signs was a fish jumping out of water. So today as I sit looking out of my mother's window looking at the view my grandmother once loved I feel kind of torn. Fish after fish are jumping in the air but it kind of hurts. It kind of reminds me of a parent putting alcohol on a scrape; it makes it better but it still hurts and it reminds you that you are injured. My grandmother passed on Mother's Day...she was ready. I heard her say it. I wasn't ready. How can you say goodbye to someone that close to you? It was selfish to want her to stay. Her health was fading; she couldn't do the things she loved to do anymore; most of all she was very independent so when the time came that so many of the things we take for granted required assistance for her, it was very hard. I still wasn't ready. I still liked to call. I still liked to come to her house and see her; it was so comforting to me. It made me feel safe. It made me feel secure. So as I sit and look out at the water and continue to see the fish jump part of me is happy because I know it is well with her; the other part shrinks back from the fact that someone so very special to me is gone. A week or two before my grandmother passed a group that I am involved with gave me a list to pick ten questions to answer from as a way to get to know me and others better. One of the questions I chose: "If you could eat dinner with anyone dead or living who would it be?" My answer...My father (deceased);My cousin (deceased); My grandmother's best friend(deceased); and my grandmother (living). I thought of the joy she would feel to see my cousin, and her best friend (she may have been alright seeing my father I take comfort in knowing that she is having her dinner party and not only did the guest list include those I chose but it also included her husband, her mother, her father, her sister, her brother, her godmother, her uncle and others gone before her. Even in loss God is faithful; that won't change.

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